Bungee jumping, skydiving, eating fire and attending a Star Trek convention should all be placed on the list of hair-raising stunts to be performed before leaving this world. If quenching an adrenaline thirst is all that is sought, go for the first three stunts. However, avoiding the risk of life and limb at a Star Trek convention requires much more than just stupidity. Pay attention to the following steps and no one will get hurt.

First off, Klingons don?t take kindly to being pointed at and mocked (although it is difficult to curb such a reaction when you see middle-aged men wearing costumes and speaking in a tongue that resembles my cat battling a fur ball). This brings us to the first step in preparation for encountering the world of the Star Trek geek: learning some of the language used at the convention. Here are some helpful Klingon phrases that will ensure a peaceful acceptance to the group:

-“QaStaH nuq?” This roughly translates as, “What?s happening?” Use this phrase not as a greeting, but as a query to something amiss.

-“HighoS.” This phrase means “come here.” This saying is integral in meeting Klingon women.

-“BIjatlh ?e? yImev,” or “Shut up.” Use this sparingly; Klingons are a sensitive race.

-And finally, “Hab SoSlI? Quch!” “Your mother has a smooth forehead.” This is the highest insult in the Klingon language. I suggest that you use this one frequently just to see if the bumps on their heads stick up.Another convention spectacle is “Filking.” This is folk singing about science fiction. Developed in the early days of science fiction congregation, it is a way for grown people to sing about issues presented by their favorite episodes of Star Trek. Some of the songs are actually in the episodes, and some are conjured in the minds of the fans. They sit until the wee hours of the third moon cycle of Goobnardor and croon about Kirk?s trouble with Tribbles. Just be prepared to hear these kinds of songs echo through the halls of the convention center. Join in if you like. Bring your bongo drums and add some rhythm, you?re sure to be a hit. Just don?t point and laugh.

You may be asking yourself, “Why is Uncle A.F. preparing us for a trip to a Star Trek convention?” The answer is simple: because I am going to a Star Trek convention. Not as a fanatic of the series, but as a concerned citizen.

This is part one of a two-part column. While preparing for this event, I uncovered a mass of protocol and decorum that needs to be adhered to when in the company of true Star Trek fans. Listed above are just a couple of the necessary steps to take before attending. In part two of this column, I will report about the steps I should?ve taken. By the crooked scepter of Replarg, I vow to uncover the hoopla that is Star Trek.

Look for interviews with Star Trek fanatics next week.

A.F. Fegley is an English major. He can be reached at [email protected]